Struck by a Vehicle

Dane Cook

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true.
I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live.
I finally saw someone get hit by a car.
*car/person collision noise*
Nailed, this guy got hit right in the hip.
That's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air like Eddie Gordo from Techit when someone doesn't know how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly.

I always just miss it, right?
I'm looking, and then I go to order my twisty cone.
*Collision noise* Oh what, what happened?!
The guy got hit? No.
I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it.

This guy gets nailed.. this is the setup.
He's walking down the street and he's doing that wacky speed walk.. he's got the buds in his ears, and I don't know what you're listening to that makes you do this fucking walk.
Maybe just a tambourine or maracas.
You're just.. *shookashookashookashooka*.
So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street, he's got the "not a good time to cross" signal. As he's going across, I see the car *car noise* coming down the street. When I see the car coming, I'm like "yesssss finally. don't talk to me. don't talk to me I gotta see this." *collision noise*

The guy goes flying into the air, his shoes flew off.
When you get hit by a car, sometimes your shoes will fly off. Sometimes your pants will come off. But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike.

And before I go any further, here's the best part. This is how he lands on the other side of the car -- which was a dodge by the way, and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic. I just -- I got a little humor out of that. I did try to help this man, as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said "ohhhhh. ohhhhh." That's all I could think of to say. theres so many things now in retrospect that I would love -- I would love to have been like "you're about to get struck by a vehicle!!!" I did not have time to say "You're about to get struck by a vehicle" so I went with "ohhhhh!" which is like a concerned moan.

The guy gets tagged okay, the greatest part of the story. He's in the air flipping around, this is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air and he starts walking around, embarassed. He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit, by a car.

People around him are like..

--"Oh my god! Oh my god! Are you alright? Are you okay?"

He's like ..

--"I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry. But uh other than that I'm fi--"
--"No you should really sit down, you're bleeding from the ears."
--"I know, I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head, it's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush." *puking noises*