Why is marijuana not legal?
Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
You know what's not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for smokin' something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now than, I mean…Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases, like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
“Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this.”
Half the time, you don't even know what the commercial is - there's people running through fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
Like “That is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.”
The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry? These women don't just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddies missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks, and if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high speed connection?
Musical interlude
Mastermind is another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these uh... these uh... “terrorist masterminds” that're being killed over in the Middle East.
“Terrorists masterminds.”
“Mastermind” is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?
They're not masterminds!
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack, and you get on the bus and you blow yourself up.”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why don't I put…”
“Who's the f***ing mastermind here? Me or you?”
Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. Obesity! They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic, like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grandkids about it one day:
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
How'd you get through it grandpa?
Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyles.
I'll sit at a drive thru. I'll sit there for… I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up and making the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries with that?
Want a jumbo fry?
Wanna go large?
Want a biggie fry?
You wanna have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother ------. There's room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents.
Musical interlude
Sometimes you gotta suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to succeed later in life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a lot of time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking,
I'm going to take of the world of computers! You'll see! I'll show them.
We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
and the minimum wage is lower now than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought: “He's just going to use it on drugs or alcohol.”
And then I thought, “That's what I'm gonna to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?”
People love to judge homeless guys. Like “if you give him the money, he's just going to waste it. He's gonna waste the money.”
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do with it? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy; he goes “Why don't you go get a job, you bum.”
People always say that to homeless guys - “Get a job” - like it's always that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
I'm guessing his resume ain't all up to date.
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has an underwear go inside the pants policy.
Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically, I'm sure it's on the books.
