Man. I′ve come to discover that
I spend too much of my life
Trynna astonish peopleIncreasing isolation and the insanity now
To the point where it should be illegal
However, it's not only ′bout impressing the outer world
But more of myself
Yet when I overwhelm others, I really do not impress me
And it doesn't go well
And maybe as some of the deeper emotions
That tells me I have been able to impress y'all
It′s something that they all are saying
So I just don′t have to feel like Imma mess
But I do, no matter what, 'cause I read you
And I′ve not been impressive
Or is it me guessing
As my unhappiness keeps getting more intensive
Everytime that I go out in public
Everytime I try to talk to a person
Who's not my mom or a close friend
I subconsciously try to amaze, getting me nervous
Right words, how I look,
Appearance, etc. I′m so tired of it
When I'm attempting, then I can only tell ′em how I feel
And that I've hit the bottom
And that is really not something to arouse someone with
That's an excuse
To get sympathy from them
Instead of impressing them accurately
Do not refuse
Damian, do not refuse
You′re simply so weak that you claim it abuse
You won′t be able of winning, or even playing the game
You're gonna lose
Nobody reads me
Nobody needs me
Nobody sees me for who I am
I am a ghost
Basically I am a ghost, no one understands
Hating myself
Hating myself
All my life I been hating myself
Impossible to be carefree at any time, and nobody can help
Why, are expectations so high, all in my head?
Why do people keep judging me?, filling me with stress
Self-conscious, shaking to the core on stage
Technique replaced wit′ judgement hits me back in a cage
The brightness won't age
But my self-hatred never seems to engage
Whether′d be two people flirting, or kissing, my lack of humor
Or lack to impress myself or others
When I play some music and somebody cringes
It affects me
People be giving the Billie Eilish look at me in my eyes
I hate the things that is telling me I'm dirt
Simultaneously, you think I′m ugly you right
Embarrassment after embarrassment
I feel my demons attacking
Got lots of emotions, but learned to mask 'em
So supreme, I'm trapped in my own acting
Trying intentionally to break character
But that makes it further gloomy
Cause I only can deliver aggression
It′s a wicked game and an awful movie
The impressure creates insecurities
I try to tell and show it but cannot
Something preventing from doing it right
Probably the demons I′m battling now
Insecurities and self-consciousness, always too near it
I want to cry, as a reminder of my human spirit
There is not a single moment
Where I can fully feel like myself
Or in control, as I'm in traffic
The wrong times, I′m not well
Where I cannot do the conversations
Not having words to impress 'em
Caught in the devil′s session, locked out of heaven
With insecurity-driven depression
I'm the most self-conscious introvert I know
Fills my head entirely
And I cannot say anything out about it
And words are words, that′s the irony
I'm a little nervous
That doesn't come out the right way
They won′t understand
Man, they won′t ever understand, I've tried all that I can
I don′t really plan to drop this
And I'm still nervous of what y′all is gotta pick out
Flaws, hypocrisies, and whining
'Cause when I feel it or hear it out
It′s so mentally stitching, this is my feelings of humanism
It's not ego
But fact is I cannot take the micro-atom of criticism
Don't get it twisted, this is not about social media or
How I look on social media
Because I don′t care about social media
This is about life
This is about how I enjoy living
How I enjoy music
Like, how I enjoy music is always me trying to put up a show
In front of non-existent people, people I′m imagining
Like, when I put up a record in my home
Then I'm imagining my bedroom as a stage
And the crowd is in the back of my bedroom
And I′m performing the song for the people
And if the crowd ain't feeling it, then it′s not a good song
And I'm not a good performer
I am a cringe human being
And I have been feeling this way for years
Like maybe 12-13 years
And it′s the same when I'm in the car; I need to be careful
I need to act cool, and not vibe out too much
To the music that I'm playing because if I do
Then people will start cringing at me
And it freaks me out on the inside
I literally feel like my freedom has been taken away from me
And it′s all sorts of art, it′s not just music
Like when I'm watching a movie, then I′m picturing me
As one of the characters and if the character ain't
Good enough or likable enough then the movie isn′t good
And I'm not good
And when it actually comes to like having conversations
In the public or to strangers
Then I get SO nervous and self-conscious
It′s about this unknown game that I can never play because
It needs to be done naturally and how can I do it
Naturally if I'm thinking about it all the time?
The only game that I'm playing is
Automatically trying to chase
People′s admiration and respect
Like, the real me
The carefree me who doesn′t care about people's opinions
He′s buried alive underground
And it's impossible to dig him up because
It′s not getting any better
Anytime
And I've tried
But I failed
