Former child stars are people too
They're the same
As you and you and you
So we ask this simple question, how can it be
That you occasionally
Don't respect their dignity?
'Cause as they make their way through life
Long after the spotlights faded
There are things some of you do
That make them want to be sedated
We loved being child stars on your television
But please stop giving us crap
Or we'll have a head-on collision
Thank you for letting me in your living rooms
To entertain you before bed
But if one more person calls me Marcia
I'll bust his fucking head
She's very grateful, just like she said
But please don't call her Marcia
Or she'll bust your freaking head
Hey, I'd rather be called Marcia than Screech!
So I'm sitting alone in Arby's
I get questions that make me see red
(Hey Eddie! Where's Herman Munster?)
Well pal, for ten years he's been dead
They ask, Hey Lucy, where's J.R.?
Come on, y'all, be realistic.
One more Hey Joanie, where's Chachi and I'll go ballistic!
Our costars are not on our speed dial
So please don't ask
Or we'll take that phone and shove it
Right up your dumb fat ass
No, we don't ride in fancy limos
Private jets, they're not for us
So you may see us driving Neons
Or riding the Greyhound bus
Yeah, we live just like all of you
So don't call us losers
Or we'll punch you with so many rights
You'll be begging for lefts
And beggars can't be choosers!
I was on Teen Beat with Michael Jackson
Now he's bigger, I suppose (yeah, yeah)
Though he may be a multi-zillionaire
At least I still have my nose
At least we're not crazy
We don't sleep with chimpanzees
We don't bleach our skin
Or dangle babies from balconies
We loved being child stars on your television
But misbehave and we'll bust your head
Gee, Wally, was it something they said?
Child stars on your television
Most of us have nothing to lose
So we'll put your butt on the 5:00 news
Child stars on your television
We don't know karate but we do know crazy
We'll beat you so bad, your future will be hazy
Child stars on your television
Don't ever say, Didn't you used to be...?
Or I'll put your head through a vintage TV
Child stars on your television
Eight rehabs isn't enough
But I've done and seen the most killer stuff
Child stars on your television
You want an autograph but I'ma tell you this
Don't ask a brother when he's taking a piss
Child stars on your television
You can dance like me, you can dance like Mickey!
I'll hurt you real bad, you can take it from Kenickie
Now of course we've been kidding
This has all been in fun
We're happy you still love us, after our shows have gone
But please just follow our simple rules
Or we'll beat you like rented mules...(hah!)
We loved being child stars on your television
(Child stars)
Child stars!
(End Credits)
All right you guys, thanks for coming.
Let's skedoodle.
All right, that's seriously the end.
People in the back, beat it.
We know you left your popcorn.
That's fine. Someone will get it.
And quit pretending like you're reading the credits.
They're so small, and we're pushing them by so fast.
We don't even know who these people are.
It's some contract thing.
Who was that?
Was that one of you guys, or was that me?
That was me.
Got a little bite in it.
Come on, that's funny.
