One Thing Real

Dan Bern

I come down the steps

I slip on the ice

Santa Claus been looking

Who's been naughty

Who's been nice

I'm looking for one thing real tonight



And Jesus he comes up to me

Jesus he sits down

He says take this fucking cross off my back

I'm going downtown

I said oh ain't that your uniform

He offers me a toke

He says two thousand years is long enough

For this particular joke

He says I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight



And I'm up here singing

These songs every night

Sometimes I wanna just make 'em all

Up on the spot

Maybe they wouldn't rhyme too good

And they might not make sense

But then at least I wouldn't be

Repeating myself

I'm looking for one thing real tonight



And you're the one I've chosen

And I guess you've chosen me

Let's turn off the commercials

Let's turn off the TV

How well can we get to know

Each other in an hour

We can fight the daylight

We have that power

I'm looking for one thing real tonight



And Van Gogh sits next to me

With a bucket full of paste

He rips off my ear and says

Glue this to my face

I'd like to leave America

For someplace where they would

Not know a word of English

And I might be understood

I'm looking for one thing real tonight