H-how old are you, buddy?
14? Is that your mother beside you?
This is getting awkward, isn′t it?Haha!
Well your mother's very cool, your mother′s very cool for bringing you
Remember that, remember when you get older she was cool and she brought you to a comedy show
Umm, (Woo!) Uh...
I-I have trouble getting along with my father
He's such a man's man, ya know
He lived his life by all these rules that I can′t possibly live by
He believes you should always fight fire with fire
Which is a horrible way to live your life, ′cause he was a firefighter
So, umm... so he was fired, Woops!
That was stupid, let's get a little stupider though!
There′s a creepy old man fishing in the park and the only problem is
He tied a candy bar to the end of his line he's tryna catch a kid
(Wink!)
For those listening on the CD
I mimed like I was catching the 14 year old that I was just talking to
Mom isn′t happy! Just guessing, not even looking
Alright...
Haha!
Oh...
Um, you know, people complain about the way I act on stage
They think I repeat jokes, and they think...
They don't get that the way I act on stage is just that, it′s an act!
You know, they think on stage I act too arrogant...
Too self obsessed, solipsistic, self contained, synonyms
And they want me to be...
They want me to be more a comic of the people
Relate to the beautiful people in this room with the over-arching glue of comedy
So let's do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys!
I'm like you guys, you know-
Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression
Where I lose all my sense oneness and self-worth
Haha!
And what I like to do, in order to assure myself that I am unique...
And I′m not just one of many small, white, indistinguishable perfectly cylindric
Checker pieces in Jesus and Satan′s backgammon game
Is... I-I... I will, guys I will try to say a group of words in a certain order
That I think no one has said them before
So that when I'm saying it, it′s like
"Look at me, participating in this new moment that no one has ever participated in"
And I feel like I'm receding out of the abyss
So I′ll say something random that no one's ever said, like uh...
Like "Peanut Butter Tribadism!" Or, uh...
Or, "I′m your father and I loved your comedy show..."
Or, "At first I wasn't comfortable leaving him alone with my child...
But then I saw his moustache, Phew!"
Or uh...
Or uh... "Did you see this Amish website?"
Or um...
"Oh yo baby, my life's about three things, baby!
Three simple things!
Gettin′ money, gettin′ pussy, and the Dewey Decimal System!"
Or um...
Or, "Hey can you hold my fanny pack?
I'm gonna go fuck a woman!"
Cause ya don′t hear 'em!
Uh, I′m giving you attention, girl that's wooing
Are you, are you happy now?
(I love you!)
You love me? That′s very nice
You love the idea of me, you don't know me, but that's okay
It′s called a parasocial relationship; it goes one way and is ultimately destructive, but please!
Keep buying all my shit forever!
It′s how it works!
Capitalism, I'm trapped!
It′s terrible, I'm a horrible person! Alright...
