See, I don′t watch football
And I don't drink beer
I think it tastes like piss in a mugAnd it makes my stomach feel freaking weird
(It′s all that gluten from the wheat)
And I can't drive a stick shift
And I can't quote Fight Club
(I can quote Titanic, though)
And I can′t do that super-cool handshake
That guys do when they′re like
"What's up, bro?" or whatever... yea
But also I have never seen an episode of Drag Race
And I have never been a part of James Dean′s fan base
And I've been to West Hollywood
But most of the time it gives me anxiety
(Relax!)
Maybe that′s why people get confused
They're like "I just can′t quite put my finger on him"
Am I living a lie? I just do what I do
And I don't fit in this mold or that mold
And that's probably why
I′m gay
But some people think that I′m straight
Especially girls that wanna date me
It comes as such a surprise
Oh my god they're shocked
And they′re like
"Wait! How come you never told me you were gay?"
I'm like, "I don′t know, you never asked me
You're not like, ′Hey, I'm straight' when you meet someone
And I wasn′t hitting on you, I was just talking...
I swear!"
See, I′m not good with fashion
No, my opinion's wrong
(I′ve been wearing this for 3 days in a row)
So don't come to me for advice
About those wedges with that dress and that bag
I don′t know
(I have no idea)
And I've never been on a dating app
I′ll stick to that
I'm never gonna get a Grindr
But I think it's hilarious when Mariah said "I don′t know her"
See, I′ve got some gay qualities
I totally get most pop culture references
And I can tell you random shit like
Britney Spears was born December 2nd, 1981
I love P!nk, Ariana, Kacey, Nicki and Madonna
Beyoncé, Azealia, JLO, Gaga, Rihanna, and Kelly Clarkson
(GAY!)
But I can still recall 2004 American League Championship Series
That's baseball if you didn′t know
It was the Yankees vs the Red Sox
And the Yankees they were up by three
But the Red Sox came back and won four
And they advanced to the World Series
My friend was crying on the phone
And I was also pretty upset about it
So I put on Under My Skin by Avril Lavigne
Maybe that's why people get confused
They′re like, "I just can't quite put my finger on him"
Am I living a lie? I just do what I do
And I don′t fit in this mold or that mold
And that's probably why
I'm gay
But some people think that I′m straight
Especially mothers of daughters from my old neighborhood
They′re like, "You should marry him, he's so good!"
"Oh my god
My Jessica needs to marry this boy
I mean he′s sweet, sensitive, a gentleman
He's not like the other boys"
"You′re telling me if I was a few years younger I'd take him"
"Oh, you′re bad"
"Hey, where are my goddamn keys?"
"I don't know!
I mean does he not wanna get married or something?
Why doesn't he just ask her out?"
"He is shy
She′ll have to make the first move
I need a grandkid before I′m dead
Hey, you got any Menthol Lights? I'm out"
"You′re not smoking in my house
I just got new drapes!"
I guess I never said I'm gay
I figured they just knew it anyway
And I don′t feel like coming out
I'm super-duper past that stage
If you don′t know then you don't know
And that's okay
But some people know I′m gay
They′re like, "Yeah, I knew it right away"
Huh?
They're like, "From the moment you opened up your mouth I knew"
What?
I′m like, "Well, excuse me, what the fuck, fuck you!"
Okay, disclaimer
Now, look
There's nothing wrong with being gay
Obviously
It′s just kinda weird when people say
"I knew right away"
And then I get kind of embarrassed
But that's just my insecurities
And stereotypes in my own head
And then I think
Do I come off really gay?
And I flamboyant? I don′t feel like I am
Um, excuse me, what is wrong with being flamboyant?
Uh, nothing, nothing
It's just not how I perceive myself and I wonder if others...
Oh, honey, who gives a fuck about how others perceive you
If I did, I'd end up living a miserable 78 years of life
How do you know you′ll live 78 years?
It′s the average male lifespan in the United States, hunty
Oh, ok
Damn, 78 doesn't even sound like that much
Mm-mm
So you better get your life while you′ve got it
You're right
I mean, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks
Yas, bitch, live your life, girl!
I will
And my 78 years are gonna be great
Oh yeah, why′s that?
Well, because...
I don't care why people get confused
It′s fine that they can't quite put their finger on me
I'm not living a lie
I′m doing what I do
And I don′t care about this mold or that mold
And it's all right cuz I′m...
Gay
And some people knew it right away
They're like, "From the moment you opened up your mouth, I knew"
I′m like, "Well, excuse me, I don't care, that′s cool"
Cuz I'm gay
But some people think that I'm straight
Especially mothers of daughters from my old neighborhood
They′re like, "You should marry him"
Yeah, they should
I′m gay
Some people think that I'm straight
Especially girls that wanna date me
It comes as
Such a surprise oh my god they′re shocked
And they're like
"Wait! How come you never told me you were gay?"
I′m like, "I don't know, you never asked me
You′re not like, 'Hey, I'm straight′ when you meet someone
And I wasn′t hitting on you, I was just talking"
